I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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