Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Randomize