Apparently you make a good broom.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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