Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
