To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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