Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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