Having a random hookup so left but love u
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize