Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
