Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
