I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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