My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
