foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So many bounce houses so little time
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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