OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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