I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
