I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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