A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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