He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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