farters have to be the big spoon...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
