was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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