Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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