Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
And then he peed in my hair
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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