I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize