I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
