There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
