i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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