You're my little dorito
I'm jealous of your bromance
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
