I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
