I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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