I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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