Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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