I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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