my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
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