My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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