Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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