Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
