A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
