Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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