I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
