Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
