I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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