He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
