we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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