Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
