I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
