Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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