I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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