who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize