I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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