I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
