I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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