Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
