Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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