You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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