The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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