allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize