wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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