meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
