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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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