the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
