Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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