she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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